Trading Faith for Love

We have just heard from our agency that there is no movement again this month. Not that there are no babies that need homes, just no movement in matching these babies with the homes that long for them.

When we began this journey, and still now I hear different forms of the same, “Oh wow, that takes a lot of Faith!” Or, “You must have a lot of faith”…. And honestly I always thought I did. Not in a prideful way, but in an ‘I really trust my heavenly Father way”.  I’ve been ‘faith-ing’ my way through this journey, and ‘keeping the faith’ day after day. That was until recently, when it felt like quite honestly I ran out of faith.

 So I’m coming clean because the truth is I just don’t have enough faith to keep longing for this baby when it feels like she’ll never be home….When my fear feels like a swirling storm, when all it seems like I see are waves, when the wind is louder than His gentle voice. “Keeping the faith” works until it doesn't, until you run out.

Then something interesting happened...God gently reminded me that Fear is not a faith issue. Only Perfect love casts out fear…So, fear is a love issue. No wonder I was feeling so discouraged trying to beat Fear with Faith. I was missing love.

When we know him, when we are loved our faith is the extension of that. Faith is love in action. If/when I run out of faith, I can choose to return to love, His love that grows exponentially. So because His love is enough, I receive until I’m full, and all the faith I thought I needed to muster up, well it’s there wrapped up in love.

 I felt so guilty for running out of faith, and was so relieved to find that his endless supply of love would take care of all the faith I thought I had to prove I had. Which led me to realize I had really misunderstood what having faith looked like in a situation like this. I went back to my original perception of faith. What faith looked like to me was like Peter walking on the water. Basically what I thought happened is that Jesus called Peter out on the water so that Peter could prove his Faith to Jesus. A real ‘lets see what your made of’ kinda challenge. Then when Peter lost faith and started to sink Jesus just pointed out how little faith He had in the first place. I’ve said before that I try to filter my thoughts/Theology though “Does that sound like the truth of a Loving Father/Savior? A Father/Savior who literally paid it all for my healing, my freedom, my wholeness?” Hmmmm, in this case the whole ‘proving the faith that He knew you didn’t have enough of in the first place’ didn’t sound like my kind and loving Savior or Father, so I pulled out my bible and decided to read what really happened.

 From Matthew 14:24-32 as I read it, God really spoke to me.

 24 but the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it
They were against the odds, in a fearful place, a storm, in the midst of waves and against the wind.
 25 During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake
 He speaks to us even in the timing of when He came out to them, while the wind was against them, and in the “fourth watch” of the night, which I’ve been told was the darkest of the night before the light breaks forth. - In their fear he walked out to them. When they felt alone, when the storm was all they saw, the wind was all they felt/knew He came for them. 
 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost, “ they said, and cried out in fear.
They misunderstood His intention, and fear confused them 
 27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
Notice here he said, “Take courage”, if you tell someone to take something it is because it has been made available for them. A price has already been paid by someone else if you are to take it. You can’t earn or work for something someone tells you to freely take. Courage is ours to take, not something we need to muster up. 
28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water”
Jesus did not need Peter to walk out to prove anything to Him.  I had missed the whole point! He was calling him out to be with him. The boat couldn’t hold all that He had for Peter, the realms of possibility, of destiny, the weight of his love. On the water was a place to find Him while being found, a place to walk in relationship, with a hand to guide, as he needed him. He had Peter step out that He may know it was him. He called them out of their boat, their fear into relationship, out to know him. To step towards Him and walk on water with him in glory, in safety, in destiny. - Fear keeps us in the boat. Turns out, It was never about us showing him or proving to him our faith- it was about knowing Him, about a relationship with Him. 
 29 “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.
30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
 31 Immediately Jesus reached our his hand and caught him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt me?”
I love that it says Immediately, He didn’t hesitate to come to Peter’s rescue. -And I now hear him saying “do you not know how loved you are, why did you doubt that my hand would catch you”?
32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down.
He joined them where they were, in the boat, in their circumstance, in their fear, and as He climbed in the wind died down. He is walking out towards us, he calls us out into relationship, into trusting Him that we may be loved and then that love produces faith, Trust is out of relationship, Love produces faith.  Then He goes beyond that and climbs in the boat with us. 

I love the patient way God teaches us...You see this wasn’t the first time He was in the boat with them, or the first time He calmed the waves….  A few chapters back, in Matthew 8 a great storm came upon the disciples and Jesus, as Jesus was resting in the boat, unaware of the storm, the disciples cried out for help. Jesus rebuked the storm and calmed the waves. That time He was in the boat with Him the whole time, sleeping, resting safe and secure oblivious of the storm. But because they cried He took action on their behalf to calm the storm. I believe Him sleeping was showing us what faith, what being loved, can look like in the midst of the storm. But in his grace, He’ll even rebuke the waves. The disciples boat was their circumstance, where they were. So later in Matthew 14 we see Jesus approach faith, loving them differently. First (Matthew 8) he was with them amidst the storm, next (Matthew 14) he came out to them, to their boat right to their circumstance. Either way the focus becomes on Jesus being with them, in relationship, loving them, and not on the storm, and the storm calms.

Faith is love in action. It’s knowing and being in relationship with God to the point of trusting Him. It is saying because you love me, I’ll believe you.  Keeping my eyes above the waves is only about keeping my eyes fixed on the author and finisher of my faith. Looking through fear to His eyes and His love.

 I am longing for my daughter, so I’m going to let myself off the hook of trying to get there by faith, and I am going to get there by His love. What are you waiting for, or trying to faith your to/through? Let’s look to love and let our selves off the hook here. In His grace He gives love in proportion to our need. For the faith I need, He gives Love in an excessive manner. And in me being loved, and being found in his presence my Faith grows.

My faith is found in being loved by Him. So I’m trading faith for love and choosing to trust God’s plans for me, and for our Pearl. I’m getting out of my boat of fear and walking towards all Jesus has for me.

After all, This journey to her, this whole journey of life,  isn’t a trial of how much faith we have; it’s a love story.

Now listen to this song, it blessed me so!

p.s. its only taken me 3 months to look into this, but the biblical meaning of the #16, (our waiting list number since November),  is LOVE.  He is a funny one, that God.

Being a Child

We found out this month that we again did not move on the list, still at #16. As we took the news in and I cried sweet Bitty rubbed my back and prayed for us. She said that he knew in the very center of her heart that Pearl was coming home, she also said that Jesus knew exactly what He was bringing us (I found it interesting that she didn't say when, as if the promise is all He sees and all He wants us to see, not the when/the wait). Then she told me that God was ready to take my sadness and put it in the trashcan when I was ready to give it to him, HA! Thank goodness for the ministry of a 5 year old.

I was so encouraged and so moved by her reaction to it all. I realized that waiting looks so different for a child than it does for a mother. There is a trust and a fierce love that Bitty has about the whole process. As a child, as she waits for this baby, she longs for her without the burden of feeling like she needs to know exactly when/how it is going to happen. She is postured as a child, trusting her parents, trusting God to supply all her needs.

Each day as I long for Pearl I am trying to posture myself in a way that is open to God molding me into who I need to be for her, for all my children. Bitty needs different aspects in a mother than Boo needs, and Pearl needs and will need different aspects as well. Lately I've been so overwhelmed by not knowing how to mother a child who lives across the world from me. All the not knowing is frankly at times too much to handle. Especially, when at times it feels like I may never get to her. How do I love her now and meet her needs and keep her safe? The only way I can do that is by trusting my Father to do all of those things for me. If I am going to give these things, this love, this safety this provision to my child, then I first have to receive it. Simply, you cannot give what you haven't recieved. I believe God forms us this way, so we will give only out of the overflow of what He has given us. (I wrote a whole post on that overflow here if you missed that) What I've felt like God is has been showing me and whispering to me over and over is There will come a time when what Pearl needs from you is for you to be a Mother, her mother. What she needs from you now, in the waiting, is for you to allow yourself to be a child. My child.

Adoption is so different, and loving adopted children is so different and so beautiful. I know I have a lot to learn in this area, but I'm learning some now in the waiting. One thing she will need from me, from all of us, is to see how to be loved as our child. She will be placed in our home, quite different from her native land, and we will tell her everyday how cherished she is, how loved she is, that we cannot believe she is ours. We will tell her that she is our daughter. We believe that God will knit us together in a way that only He can do, that she will trust us, allow us the honor of meeting her needs. But with my biological children I've never needed to tell them that they are my daughter, they just know. That is a new step this time. Thankfully, I know what it feels like to be told that I am a daughter. I am learning to receive that love on a spiritual level because I have been scooped up and loved by my Heavenly father and told that He loves me in ways I cannot understand or contain. I have been told that I am His and He is mine, and because I know He loves me, I believe Him.

I belong to Him, Forever I belong to Him. She belongs to Him, forever she belongs to Him.

You are His child first. Quite simply, you are the child of a loving father who delights in providing for you. So many people and occupations and talents have come to mind as I've pondered being a child first... For a surgeon, You are saved before you save lives. For a new mother, you are reborn before you give birth. For a leader, you are a sheep with a fiercely loving shepard before you lead the masses.

I really believe it becomes more simple when we are first loved. Maybe, just maybe what He meant by asking us to have him as our first love was him reminding us to be loved first. And wow, when you see how loved you are you'll fall right back in love with your first love, a King, a Savior, a Father who is mighty.

So for now, I am waiting, but I am letting myself be His child and reminding myself that before I am their mother I am His Child.

On Being scared, and on giving

In various conversations with Bitty we've discussed things we are scared of. As a parent there are so many times I want to just let her hide under the covers with me, away from the scary world and protect her. But as I love her, I see her courageous spirit rising up and this belief in herself that she can face the very things she is afraid of. In my love for her, I want to help her face those things, because I know that one by one as she is strengthened and the very things that scare her and challenge her are forming her into her full potential. So I encourage her to walk right into those things. But not alone. Her daddy or I hold her hand and walk with her until she is ready to step out freely. And if she turns back and looks at me scared, then I'll grab her hand again and stand with her until she's ready.

I feel much like that in this adoption and in the fundraising to bring Pearl home. I am stepping into the unknown,but my Father is holding my hand.

If He says I am His, and He will take care of me then I'll take Him at His word. His unfailing word. And I'll trust Him to provide.

For those of you who have wondered our estimated cost to bring Pearl home from Ethiopia is about $40,000.00 (which includes taking Bitty with us.) Recently we have felt like God has called us to give proceeds from The Beloved Collection of Jewelry and Art away to other families pursuing adoption. To give to them that they may know how loved they are, that He will provide for them. So,joyfully we just today have given all the proceeds from the Open House to an amazing family bringing their own baby home. Because of this several people have said, "Oh great, so you're raised all your funds for your adoption?!" That is actually not the case. We still have a ways to go before our adoption is funded. We are giving proceeds away simply because He asked us to, I am scared, but He is holding my hand. I'm stepping out in faith because I am trusting Him to provide for us and fill our cup. Let me explain.....

It is never about what we have to give away, or who we need to be...But always about what He has put in us to share. I have to literally picture a glass full of water, and whatever spills over, the overflow can run into someone else's cup. But me loving others, loving my husband, my family, my friends is also about having my cup full. God created me, created you in a way to spill over to others. We each have gifts that bless those around us, but in His goodness I really believe He fills us up first. First we get to be loved by Him. He calls us His Beloved, and in that tells us to Be Loved. When we receive from Him, and are filled, only He doesn't stop there. He keeps pouring out His love on us, when that love spills out to others they are blessed in a way that is only from Him. It is never about what I can give them. These proceeds from jewelry or art have nothing to do with me. I am a vessel, when His goodness spills out, it is His goodness not mine. What an honor that I get to be that vessel in anyway, that I get to behold His goodness.

When I can remember to give, to mother or love out of the overflow it comes easy. It is Him and not me. I am a child first, my job is to be extravagantly loved by Him. When that happens, His goodness can spill over freely, I am not as weary in the tasks of each day, His grace trumps my imperfect love for others. He spills over and every time I'm amazed.

Today I am His daughter, because I am receiving, I am giving.

Moving forward we are asking God how He wants us to give to other adoptions, we plan to have more shows for jewlery and art, and we plan to keep giving back. We will continue fundraising to bring Pearl home, if you want to donate to our fund or purchase art or jewelry as a part of loving our Pearl home, we would be honored. You can click on the donate button on the right of our blog or you can shop our Facebook page here. Also, if you are or if you know someone fundraising for their adoption we would love to know about it and pray about how we might can help!

Constant.

Earlier this week we got our December update...There was no movement this month, we are still #16. My initial thoughts were simple No. Movement. Still. Here. After my pity party...I decided He must still have promises for me in Psalm 16. Well promises everywhere actually, but I keep it simple when I'm overwhelmed. Here are the promises I pulled out, and the truths I am clinging to. Psalm 16 The Lord—Our Safe Place in Life and Covering vs. 2 Keep me, O God, for I am safe in You. I said to the Lord, “You are my Lord. All the good things I have come from You.” As for those in the land who belong to You, they are the great ones in whom is all my joy. I am safe in Him. She is safe in Him. All good things I have, all good things I will have come from Him. vs. 5 The Lord is all that I am to receive, and my cup. My future is in Your hands. He is all that I am to receive, meaning my job in this waiting is to be His daughter, to praise my King and allow Him to fill my cup. He fills to overflow. I get to receive Him, to be extravagantly loved by Him. He's got this. vs. 6 The land given to me is good. Yes, my share is beautiful to me. The promise, the beauty is coming in our daughter yes, But its here now in Him. In who He is. vs. 7 I will give honor and thanks to the Lord, Who has told me what to do. Yes, even at night my mind teaches me. Ok this one just made me laugh. Any one who has ever taken a leap of faith based on what they felt lead by the Lord to do, has probably said "I think I made it up". God smiled at me here and reminded me He told us what to do. He told us to go get Pearl. And even better, He goes before us. vs. 11 You will show me the way of life. Being with You is to be full of joy. In Your right hand there is happiness forever. Being with Him is to be full of joy. Joy is who He is. He is mine. Joy is mine. Boom. The verse that stuck out the most... vs. 8 I have placed the Lord always in front of me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be moved. And so my heart is glad. My soul is full of joy. My body also will rest without fear. I like to think that the Holy Spirit whispered ("no pun intended" after I read 'I will not be moved') That probably didn't happen, but don't ruin that for me, it made me smile. I'm learning that what appears to be happening here on this earth has very little to do with what God might actually be doing. Me not moving, me standing firm on His promises is in the midst of Him moving and aligning people and places to create His perfect will. He never sleeps, He is always moving on our behalf. Strength rises as we wait upon the Lord. Upon Him, Hoping IN Him. What I'm doing now is 'placing the Lord always in front of me'. I once heard a quote that said something like "You can't afford to have a thought in your head (about who you are/about your circumstances, etc) that God doesn't have about you". I'm keeping the Hope of Him always in front of me. When I looked away from my circumstances, from any disappointments, longings, and saw Him. I remembered. I cannot contain, or understand the vast way He loves me. I cannot contain, or understand the vast way he Loves Pearl! I had to remember that my circumstances, are no reflection of His love for me. If a season changes, if a season stays the same His provision, His love is constant. No matter how I feel, or respond to my circumstance, it doesn't change His love for me or who He is. I cannot mess up His love for me. Thank you Jesus! We are #16, which is a miracle, we have a baby in Africa, which is miracle. God is good, He's got this. I am choosing to let my heart be glad, my spirit full of joy. My dearest friend told me this week "God is more passionate about your adoption that you are". What a gift that truth is. So I'm staying there today. Keeping Him in front of me.

Waiting List Update- November

Once again God has exceeded our expectations. We've moved up to #16 and we are so grateful. 

 Psalm 16 Keep me safe, O God, for I have come to you for refuge. I said to the Lord, “You are my Master! Every good thing I have comes from you.” The godly people in the land are my true heroes! I take pleasure in them! Troubles multiply for those who chase after other gods. I will not take part in their sacrifices of blood or even speak the names of their gods. Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine. The land you have given me is a pleasant land. What a wonderful inheritance! I will bless the Lord who guides me; even at night my heart instructs me. I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice. My body rests in safety. For you will not leave my soul among the dead or allow your holy one[d] to rot in the grave. You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever.

Right here where we are...

Dictionary.com defines waiting as 'to remain in a state in which you expect or hope that something will happen soon'. I kind of love that definition. It shows an expectation and actually shows us that in the waiting there is HOPE. People have said to me that God will "use" this time of waiting, or that God has "given me" this time of waiting to teach me, to refine me. I used to believe that. I used to apply that to times of longing or hurting and believe that God was up there causing these things, inevitability to make me more loveable or acceptable for use by Him. I believed that, until I began to see God as my Father. My kind, gracious, loving Father. A dear friend encouraged me to filter my theology through the question of "Does this sound like the love of a kind, loving, and gracious Father?"

So, now I choose to believe that God is for me. He doesn't use or cause hardship to make me better, or to refine me. He already sent Jesus to do all of those things. Me surrendering my life and accepting His Grace is enough. He is pleased with me; right here, right where I am. You can't refine something you've already looked upon and declared fine.

That is when waiting, longing and hurting changed for me. I began to see that God has not caused these things, as He does not cause sickness, famine, hardship of any kind (ok I'll stay on this waiting soapbox this time)...He sent Jesus to redeem all of those things. To make all things new. To make us sons and daughters, forever.

So what now. When it seems that my reality, my raw here and now is actually waiting and longing for my Pearl. Well, I make a choice. I lean into the Father's heart for me, I thank Him that He loves me, and that He longs with me for Pearl to be home. I thank him that His heart is for Family. I align my heart with His and choose to believe in His great and loving kindness and power to Bring Her Home Today! He wants her home, He wants her healthy. So do I believe that God is up in Heaven right now, with all his important things to do, actually lining things up, and moving Heaven and Earth to bring us our baby? Yes, yes I do.

He doesn't "use" this time to teach me, to refine me. He Redeems this time. He is a God of redemption. In Psalm 20 it speaks of God answering our call in the very day of our trouble. So I ask him for immediate answers! Then I trust Him to restore my hope and renew me for the next day if I need to wake up and ask again. My expectation is in a King who hears me, who answers me on the day of my trouble.

Bitty commonly sings and makes up songs all day long. One day last week, a day where I was having to choose over and over again to believe God's heart for this waiting, and lean into him, the words to her song were "We Praise you God, We sing Hallelujah, Right where we are. Right where we are". Amen, Bitty, thank you for pointing me back to center. Right where I am today, Hallelujah! If you are in a time of waiting today, please understand I am not saying this is easy. Actually the best adoption advice I've been given was to give myself permission to feel however I feel. So, cry, let yourself feel numb, be mad, whatever it looks like, just know that you can't mess up His plan for you. His plan for bringing you what you wait for. And please take off the burden of thinking there is anything for you to do in this time to become better. Feel however you feel, just remember His arms are waiting to scoop you up.

So please hear me, I'm not saying I do not cry, or hurt or long for this child. But when I can allow myself to do that in the arms and safety of trusting a God who is working on my behalf it sure lightens the load, and when I let him dry my tears enough to see clearly I find myself looking with Hope, right where I am.

-Adoption update, we are currently hoping for our November waitlist number. Will post when we find out! *All the beautiful images on this post are by my friend Paula Coldiron

Waitlist Update!

When I last posted we were waiting on our second Dossier to arrive in Ethiopia... We were on vacation in Mexico recently and got word that our dossier had arrived, then shortly after we got our new wait-list number. From starting at #115, let's just say that the Lord completely exceeded our expectations, to place us at #20 on the new agency's list!

Psalm 20 In times of trouble, may the Lord answer your cry. May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm. May he send you help from his sanctuary and strengthen you from Jerusalem.[a] May he remember all your gifts and look favorably on your burnt offerings. Interlude May he grant your heart’s desires and make all your plans succeed. May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory and raise a victory banner in the name of our God. May the Lord answer all your prayers. Now I know that the Lord rescues his anointed king. He will answer him from his holy heaven and rescue him by his great power. Some nations boast of their chariots and horses, but we boast in the name of the Lord our God. Those nations will fall down and collapse, but we will rise up and stand firm. Give victory to our king, O Lord! Answer our cry for help. We are now awaiting our new November wait-list number, and more blog posts coming soon!