Right here where we are...

Dictionary.com defines waiting as 'to remain in a state in which you expect or hope that something will happen soon'. I kind of love that definition. It shows an expectation and actually shows us that in the waiting there is HOPE. People have said to me that God will "use" this time of waiting, or that God has "given me" this time of waiting to teach me, to refine me. I used to believe that. I used to apply that to times of longing or hurting and believe that God was up there causing these things, inevitability to make me more loveable or acceptable for use by Him. I believed that, until I began to see God as my Father. My kind, gracious, loving Father. A dear friend encouraged me to filter my theology through the question of "Does this sound like the love of a kind, loving, and gracious Father?"

So, now I choose to believe that God is for me. He doesn't use or cause hardship to make me better, or to refine me. He already sent Jesus to do all of those things. Me surrendering my life and accepting His Grace is enough. He is pleased with me; right here, right where I am. You can't refine something you've already looked upon and declared fine.

That is when waiting, longing and hurting changed for me. I began to see that God has not caused these things, as He does not cause sickness, famine, hardship of any kind (ok I'll stay on this waiting soapbox this time)...He sent Jesus to redeem all of those things. To make all things new. To make us sons and daughters, forever.

So what now. When it seems that my reality, my raw here and now is actually waiting and longing for my Pearl. Well, I make a choice. I lean into the Father's heart for me, I thank Him that He loves me, and that He longs with me for Pearl to be home. I thank him that His heart is for Family. I align my heart with His and choose to believe in His great and loving kindness and power to Bring Her Home Today! He wants her home, He wants her healthy. So do I believe that God is up in Heaven right now, with all his important things to do, actually lining things up, and moving Heaven and Earth to bring us our baby? Yes, yes I do.

He doesn't "use" this time to teach me, to refine me. He Redeems this time. He is a God of redemption. In Psalm 20 it speaks of God answering our call in the very day of our trouble. So I ask him for immediate answers! Then I trust Him to restore my hope and renew me for the next day if I need to wake up and ask again. My expectation is in a King who hears me, who answers me on the day of my trouble.

Bitty commonly sings and makes up songs all day long. One day last week, a day where I was having to choose over and over again to believe God's heart for this waiting, and lean into him, the words to her song were "We Praise you God, We sing Hallelujah, Right where we are. Right where we are". Amen, Bitty, thank you for pointing me back to center. Right where I am today, Hallelujah! If you are in a time of waiting today, please understand I am not saying this is easy. Actually the best adoption advice I've been given was to give myself permission to feel however I feel. So, cry, let yourself feel numb, be mad, whatever it looks like, just know that you can't mess up His plan for you. His plan for bringing you what you wait for. And please take off the burden of thinking there is anything for you to do in this time to become better. Feel however you feel, just remember His arms are waiting to scoop you up.

So please hear me, I'm not saying I do not cry, or hurt or long for this child. But when I can allow myself to do that in the arms and safety of trusting a God who is working on my behalf it sure lightens the load, and when I let him dry my tears enough to see clearly I find myself looking with Hope, right where I am.

-Adoption update, we are currently hoping for our November waitlist number. Will post when we find out! *All the beautiful images on this post are by my friend Paula Coldiron