On Being scared, and on giving

In various conversations with Bitty we've discussed things we are scared of. As a parent there are so many times I want to just let her hide under the covers with me, away from the scary world and protect her. But as I love her, I see her courageous spirit rising up and this belief in herself that she can face the very things she is afraid of. In my love for her, I want to help her face those things, because I know that one by one as she is strengthened and the very things that scare her and challenge her are forming her into her full potential. So I encourage her to walk right into those things. But not alone. Her daddy or I hold her hand and walk with her until she is ready to step out freely. And if she turns back and looks at me scared, then I'll grab her hand again and stand with her until she's ready.

I feel much like that in this adoption and in the fundraising to bring Pearl home. I am stepping into the unknown,but my Father is holding my hand.

If He says I am His, and He will take care of me then I'll take Him at His word. His unfailing word. And I'll trust Him to provide.

For those of you who have wondered our estimated cost to bring Pearl home from Ethiopia is about $40,000.00 (which includes taking Bitty with us.) Recently we have felt like God has called us to give proceeds from The Beloved Collection of Jewelry and Art away to other families pursuing adoption. To give to them that they may know how loved they are, that He will provide for them. So,joyfully we just today have given all the proceeds from the Open House to an amazing family bringing their own baby home. Because of this several people have said, "Oh great, so you're raised all your funds for your adoption?!" That is actually not the case. We still have a ways to go before our adoption is funded. We are giving proceeds away simply because He asked us to, I am scared, but He is holding my hand. I'm stepping out in faith because I am trusting Him to provide for us and fill our cup. Let me explain.....

It is never about what we have to give away, or who we need to be...But always about what He has put in us to share. I have to literally picture a glass full of water, and whatever spills over, the overflow can run into someone else's cup. But me loving others, loving my husband, my family, my friends is also about having my cup full. God created me, created you in a way to spill over to others. We each have gifts that bless those around us, but in His goodness I really believe He fills us up first. First we get to be loved by Him. He calls us His Beloved, and in that tells us to Be Loved. When we receive from Him, and are filled, only He doesn't stop there. He keeps pouring out His love on us, when that love spills out to others they are blessed in a way that is only from Him. It is never about what I can give them. These proceeds from jewelry or art have nothing to do with me. I am a vessel, when His goodness spills out, it is His goodness not mine. What an honor that I get to be that vessel in anyway, that I get to behold His goodness.

When I can remember to give, to mother or love out of the overflow it comes easy. It is Him and not me. I am a child first, my job is to be extravagantly loved by Him. When that happens, His goodness can spill over freely, I am not as weary in the tasks of each day, His grace trumps my imperfect love for others. He spills over and every time I'm amazed.

Today I am His daughter, because I am receiving, I am giving.

Moving forward we are asking God how He wants us to give to other adoptions, we plan to have more shows for jewlery and art, and we plan to keep giving back. We will continue fundraising to bring Pearl home, if you want to donate to our fund or purchase art or jewelry as a part of loving our Pearl home, we would be honored. You can click on the donate button on the right of our blog or you can shop our Facebook page here. Also, if you are or if you know someone fundraising for their adoption we would love to know about it and pray about how we might can help!

Constant.

Earlier this week we got our December update...There was no movement this month, we are still #16. My initial thoughts were simple No. Movement. Still. Here. After my pity party...I decided He must still have promises for me in Psalm 16. Well promises everywhere actually, but I keep it simple when I'm overwhelmed. Here are the promises I pulled out, and the truths I am clinging to. Psalm 16 The Lord—Our Safe Place in Life and Covering vs. 2 Keep me, O God, for I am safe in You. I said to the Lord, “You are my Lord. All the good things I have come from You.” As for those in the land who belong to You, they are the great ones in whom is all my joy. I am safe in Him. She is safe in Him. All good things I have, all good things I will have come from Him. vs. 5 The Lord is all that I am to receive, and my cup. My future is in Your hands. He is all that I am to receive, meaning my job in this waiting is to be His daughter, to praise my King and allow Him to fill my cup. He fills to overflow. I get to receive Him, to be extravagantly loved by Him. He's got this. vs. 6 The land given to me is good. Yes, my share is beautiful to me. The promise, the beauty is coming in our daughter yes, But its here now in Him. In who He is. vs. 7 I will give honor and thanks to the Lord, Who has told me what to do. Yes, even at night my mind teaches me. Ok this one just made me laugh. Any one who has ever taken a leap of faith based on what they felt lead by the Lord to do, has probably said "I think I made it up". God smiled at me here and reminded me He told us what to do. He told us to go get Pearl. And even better, He goes before us. vs. 11 You will show me the way of life. Being with You is to be full of joy. In Your right hand there is happiness forever. Being with Him is to be full of joy. Joy is who He is. He is mine. Joy is mine. Boom. The verse that stuck out the most... vs. 8 I have placed the Lord always in front of me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be moved. And so my heart is glad. My soul is full of joy. My body also will rest without fear. I like to think that the Holy Spirit whispered ("no pun intended" after I read 'I will not be moved') That probably didn't happen, but don't ruin that for me, it made me smile. I'm learning that what appears to be happening here on this earth has very little to do with what God might actually be doing. Me not moving, me standing firm on His promises is in the midst of Him moving and aligning people and places to create His perfect will. He never sleeps, He is always moving on our behalf. Strength rises as we wait upon the Lord. Upon Him, Hoping IN Him. What I'm doing now is 'placing the Lord always in front of me'. I once heard a quote that said something like "You can't afford to have a thought in your head (about who you are/about your circumstances, etc) that God doesn't have about you". I'm keeping the Hope of Him always in front of me. When I looked away from my circumstances, from any disappointments, longings, and saw Him. I remembered. I cannot contain, or understand the vast way He loves me. I cannot contain, or understand the vast way he Loves Pearl! I had to remember that my circumstances, are no reflection of His love for me. If a season changes, if a season stays the same His provision, His love is constant. No matter how I feel, or respond to my circumstance, it doesn't change His love for me or who He is. I cannot mess up His love for me. Thank you Jesus! We are #16, which is a miracle, we have a baby in Africa, which is miracle. God is good, He's got this. I am choosing to let my heart be glad, my spirit full of joy. My dearest friend told me this week "God is more passionate about your adoption that you are". What a gift that truth is. So I'm staying there today. Keeping Him in front of me.

Waiting List Update- November

Once again God has exceeded our expectations. We've moved up to #16 and we are so grateful. 

 Psalm 16 Keep me safe, O God, for I have come to you for refuge. I said to the Lord, “You are my Master! Every good thing I have comes from you.” The godly people in the land are my true heroes! I take pleasure in them! Troubles multiply for those who chase after other gods. I will not take part in their sacrifices of blood or even speak the names of their gods. Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine. The land you have given me is a pleasant land. What a wonderful inheritance! I will bless the Lord who guides me; even at night my heart instructs me. I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice. My body rests in safety. For you will not leave my soul among the dead or allow your holy one[d] to rot in the grave. You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever.

Right here where we are...

Dictionary.com defines waiting as 'to remain in a state in which you expect or hope that something will happen soon'. I kind of love that definition. It shows an expectation and actually shows us that in the waiting there is HOPE. People have said to me that God will "use" this time of waiting, or that God has "given me" this time of waiting to teach me, to refine me. I used to believe that. I used to apply that to times of longing or hurting and believe that God was up there causing these things, inevitability to make me more loveable or acceptable for use by Him. I believed that, until I began to see God as my Father. My kind, gracious, loving Father. A dear friend encouraged me to filter my theology through the question of "Does this sound like the love of a kind, loving, and gracious Father?"

So, now I choose to believe that God is for me. He doesn't use or cause hardship to make me better, or to refine me. He already sent Jesus to do all of those things. Me surrendering my life and accepting His Grace is enough. He is pleased with me; right here, right where I am. You can't refine something you've already looked upon and declared fine.

That is when waiting, longing and hurting changed for me. I began to see that God has not caused these things, as He does not cause sickness, famine, hardship of any kind (ok I'll stay on this waiting soapbox this time)...He sent Jesus to redeem all of those things. To make all things new. To make us sons and daughters, forever.

So what now. When it seems that my reality, my raw here and now is actually waiting and longing for my Pearl. Well, I make a choice. I lean into the Father's heart for me, I thank Him that He loves me, and that He longs with me for Pearl to be home. I thank him that His heart is for Family. I align my heart with His and choose to believe in His great and loving kindness and power to Bring Her Home Today! He wants her home, He wants her healthy. So do I believe that God is up in Heaven right now, with all his important things to do, actually lining things up, and moving Heaven and Earth to bring us our baby? Yes, yes I do.

He doesn't "use" this time to teach me, to refine me. He Redeems this time. He is a God of redemption. In Psalm 20 it speaks of God answering our call in the very day of our trouble. So I ask him for immediate answers! Then I trust Him to restore my hope and renew me for the next day if I need to wake up and ask again. My expectation is in a King who hears me, who answers me on the day of my trouble.

Bitty commonly sings and makes up songs all day long. One day last week, a day where I was having to choose over and over again to believe God's heart for this waiting, and lean into him, the words to her song were "We Praise you God, We sing Hallelujah, Right where we are. Right where we are". Amen, Bitty, thank you for pointing me back to center. Right where I am today, Hallelujah! If you are in a time of waiting today, please understand I am not saying this is easy. Actually the best adoption advice I've been given was to give myself permission to feel however I feel. So, cry, let yourself feel numb, be mad, whatever it looks like, just know that you can't mess up His plan for you. His plan for bringing you what you wait for. And please take off the burden of thinking there is anything for you to do in this time to become better. Feel however you feel, just remember His arms are waiting to scoop you up.

So please hear me, I'm not saying I do not cry, or hurt or long for this child. But when I can allow myself to do that in the arms and safety of trusting a God who is working on my behalf it sure lightens the load, and when I let him dry my tears enough to see clearly I find myself looking with Hope, right where I am.

-Adoption update, we are currently hoping for our November waitlist number. Will post when we find out! *All the beautiful images on this post are by my friend Paula Coldiron

Waitlist Update!

When I last posted we were waiting on our second Dossier to arrive in Ethiopia... We were on vacation in Mexico recently and got word that our dossier had arrived, then shortly after we got our new wait-list number. From starting at #115, let's just say that the Lord completely exceeded our expectations, to place us at #20 on the new agency's list!

Psalm 20 In times of trouble, may the Lord answer your cry. May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm. May he send you help from his sanctuary and strengthen you from Jerusalem.[a] May he remember all your gifts and look favorably on your burnt offerings. Interlude May he grant your heart’s desires and make all your plans succeed. May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory and raise a victory banner in the name of our God. May the Lord answer all your prayers. Now I know that the Lord rescues his anointed king. He will answer him from his holy heaven and rescue him by his great power. Some nations boast of their chariots and horses, but we boast in the name of the Lord our God. Those nations will fall down and collapse, but we will rise up and stand firm. Give victory to our king, O Lord! Answer our cry for help. We are now awaiting our new November wait-list number, and more blog posts coming soon!

Adoption Update!

So it is about past time that I update you all on our adoption. What can I say, things are busy! Last month we received our first wait list number from Lifeline #115.

On that same day we got an email from our agency letting us know of a new opportunity for families adopting from Ethiopia. Our agency is now partnering with 2 different agencies in Ethiopia. The catch was that to change agencies we would have to submit a new Dossier (our whole packet of paper work, official and notarized copies of lots of documents) and the agency fees would increase. Rainer and I decided to pray about which agency we needed to be with. The agencies work with different orphanages in different regions of Ethiopia, so we wanted to be sure that God was leading us to the right Agency, thus the right orphanage, just to our special baby girl. That same day we got our #115 wait list number we were together in New York..we asked God for a sign about which agency to partner with. The one we were asking about partnering with is named Dove. Literally moments later as we walked in our favorite New York Neighborhood we looked up to see a white DOVE circling above us. Doves bring peace! When we got home and went to sleep Bitty awoke me the next morning with a gift. She had chosen a very special gift from one of Margaret's flower arrangements...it was a white dove with pearls on its beak. I asked her what it was and she said "Its a Dove carrying pearl to us!".

So we took that as a major sign! That same day we discovered a Dove's nest in our backyard and a family of 5 Doves :) SO, we were thankful for the sign(s) and decided to move forward with changing to Dove as our placing agency in Ethiopia. God has given us so many gifts along this journey to our girl. When Margaret, whom we are so honored to name our baby after, passed away we felt like God told us that Margaret and our girl would meet in the heavens and that Margaret had specific gifts and strength about her that she would pass along to our girl. So it was a really sweet gift that our "Dove" sign, our peace, would come from a bouquet of flowers from the passing of Margaret. God's heart for us is in the details, and we are grateful and receiving. In the past weeks since then we (Mostly Rainer) has been working to comprise a new Dossier and re-issue all our paperwork to change over. We officially sent our new dossier to Dove in Oregon this week!! From there it will travel to D.C. then to Ethiopia. Currently in Ethiopia the courts are closed for the rainy season. Which is also a gift to us, as we are not "loosing any ground"...no numbers are moving, or referrals given in this time of transition for us. The exciting news is mostly that we feel a peace and a joy surrounding the decision to change placing agencies, and that God is amidst the details in our where our baby is coming from. So, we are not exactly sure how that changes our time frame. But we are hopeful and expectant of what God has in store. Once the courts reopen in October and we get our official waiting list number we will know more. We just wanted to keep you all posted and share our victory! I heard of a fun way to count down our waiting numbers. Each month we get our number I'll be reading over the Psalm correlating with the number and find new promises along the way. Psalm 115 Not for our sake, God, no, not for our sake, but for your name’s sake, show your glory. Do it on account of your merciful love, do it on account of your faithful ways. Do it so none of the nations can say, “Where now, oh where is their God?” Our God is in heaven doing whatever he wants to do. Their gods are metal and wood, handmade in a basement shop: Carved mouths that can’t talk, painted eyes that can’t see, Tin ears that can’t hear, molded noses that can’t smell, Hands that can’t grasp, feet that can’t walk or run, throats that never utter a sound. Those who make them have become just like them, have become just like the gods they trust. But you, Israel: put your trust in God! —trust your Helper! trust your Ruler! Clan of Aaron, trust in God! —trust your Helper! trust your Ruler! You who fear God, trust in God! —trust your Helper! trust your Ruler! O God, remember us and bless us, bless the families of Israel and Aaron. And let God bless all who fear God— bless the small, bless the great. Oh, let God enlarge your families— giving growth to you, growth to your children. May you be blessed by God, by God, who made heaven and earth. The heaven of heavens is for God, but he put us in charge of the earth. Dead people can’t praise God— not a word to be heard from those buried in the ground. But we bless God, oh yes— we bless him now, we bless him always! Hallelujah!

Dossier off!

First just clarifying what a Dossier is for those not familiar with adoption terms...this is basically a big stack of paperwork, a file including our home study, medical info, etc. that Ethiopia will process as our application to adopt. We've been working on this file for months so we are thrilled to say it is on its way to Ethiopia! 

First it stops in multiple US locations to be authenticated, then will head to Africa. 

So what now? It should take about 30 days then we'll officially be on the waiting list for our baby girl. 

Everyday we are closer to our daughter and we are thankful!

Fingerprints...check!

We were able to walk in and do our biometric fingerprints without an appointment. Yeah! 

So now we are waiting on our i600a approval letter then we'll be sending our dossier off to Ethiopia. Still a few lingering paperwork items we need for the dossier, but we are getting closer! I recently told someone getting on the waiting list has felt do far away for so long...like I am in this pattern of waiting to wait. Very thankful that soon I can just wait! 

These pictures have nothing to do with fingerprinting, but I know pictures are what most people read blogs for so enjoy. 

Sweet boo. 

Sisters on last day of school. 

Bitty graduated 4k. Or as she says "I gradulated! It's my gratulations!"

I turned 30 and had a great time celebrating! 

Surprise birthday trip with my love. 

Tiny Steps

There seem to be tiny steps along this journey, but I'm grateful for each one. We got our fingerprint appointments from USCIS in the mail today. This is the next step in our immigration approval to get on the waiting list for Pearl. We are supposed to be out of town for when our appointment is scheduled (they just assign you a time)...So we would love you to pray with is that we can get an earlier appointment to not delay a day longer than we have to. Thank you!! 

Expectant

Tiny Adoption Update first- We got our receipt letter yesterday from USCIS letting us know they received our paperwork. Next we are waiting for our fingerprinting appointments, and then USCIS approval. Every little step helps :) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- On to the post...There are days behind me, and many in front of me along this adoption journey where it is just hard to put into words how I feel. When I have been pregnant with my other 2 daughters I was a roller coaster of emotions, from crying to laughing, worrying to hoping, dreaming to waiting, gagging to hungry..oops that wasn't an emotion. Well expecting my 3rd daughter hasn't felt less emotional, just like I have less hormones to blame it on, ha. I know I have said this but in so many ways I feel pregnant. Yesterday I got to help host a baby shower for a dear friend. Most of the other hostesses were pregnant and as we took a group picture everyone in the room was talking about all the bellies and mamas-to-be. I had to laugh to myself and remind myself I do not have a belly showing the world that I am expecting a baby this time. Oh how different that is. Today is one of those days I cannot quite seem to explain how I feel. Today is Mother's Day. I loved being woken up by Bitty and her precious homemade neon pink poster. Loved when Boo tickled me and rolled around wild in my bed, nearly spilling my coffee like every other morning. I love being my daughter's mama.I loved being loved well by my husband, and having time to myself to relax today why he took care of the girls. Today was filled with joy and fun as we celebrated our mother's, went to church, got to hold a friend's new baby, it was a special day. But if I'm completely honest, today held an ache as well. An ache to hold my 3rd daughter. Just that feeling of 'someone's missing'. She has made a place in my heart, and on days like today that void seems magnified. Also, I had an ache and a love for Pearl's birth mother. To be able to look into her eyes and know her. To know that she is safe and taken care of, to wrap my arms around her and weep with her for her daughter. To thank her. To tell her how much Pearl is loved and will be adored and cared for. To tell her that today I celebrated her in my heart, that every year we will celebrate her in our hearts and our homes. At church God gently reminded me of His nature, that he is worthy of my trust, that he understands....that all these thoughts, that were too much for me to carry I could give to Him. He brought me back to this word...expectant. I am expecting a baby. Today the emotions were too much. So I am choosing to be expectant also of a God who is mighty to save.I am praying and expecting Him to answer! I am expectant for JOY! I am expectant of healing for a land of birth mothers who are giving up their babies in love, expectant for favor in the processes of all adoptions all over the world, expectant for fast placement of babies in their forever homes, for restoration! I am expectant in the promise God has given us of our Pearl, our open gates of Heaven. So if Mother's Day is bittersweet for you...Maybe you have lost a child, or a mother...maybe you're longing for a baby in your womb, for a baby in your arms...Maybe you're believing for restoration of a relationship with a mother or child..whatever it is... I'm praying that you would join me in being expectant. Be expectant of a God who will answer when you call. He who promises is faithful. I saw this picture and it was a fun reminder to my and my other friends adopting from Africa, that we are very much expecting :) Now watch out, I just may get enough nerve to start using the expectant mother's parking space at Publix!

Quick Adoption Update!

We picked up our offical home study yesterday from our agency and gathered our other paper work needed to send off to Immigration (USCIS, i600a). Basically we are requesting permission from the US Immigration to bring our baby into the country. This approval is required before we can get on the waiting list for our baby. Last night as our oldest daughters slept upstairs we prayed over all our paperwork and blessed the hands that would be recieving it. Then Rainer went out to a 24 hour print and ship store to send it off. We just couldn't wait one more day to be a step closer to Pearl :) I am asked, "What is the next step?" pretty often so I'm going to try and include the blog posts with what's next each step of the way. So, now, we wait on our letter of receipt from USCIS. The approval process can take up to 90 days, and somewhere amidst that time we will receive our appointment for fingerprinting. Our fingerprinting will be done while we await USCIS approval. Once we get our approval, we get to send our dossier to Ethiopia and get on the waiting list. Right now the waiting time for a referral is about 15-18 months. Another question we are asked is, "How can we pray?". First of off, thank you, that blesses us so! We are always praying for our baby, for her caretakers, for our family to be prepared for her, and for her tummy mommy. Specifically right now, We would love your prayers in agreement with us for continued favor in our process. For the USCIS approval to be swift and smooth! So as for our timeline, there is a lot we do not know. We have perimeters we have been told as far as 90 days here, 30 days here, etc. But, what we do know is that God is good, all the time. Our daughter has been chosen for us by him, and WE CANNOT MISS HER! I tell myself that at least 5 times a week, okay maybe 5 times a day. More soon, off to make lunches and get Bitty & Boo ready for school!

What's in a name?

A note on the names around here. Just clarifying something. Our family does nicknames for our girls, they have real, beautiful, southern names. But 've decided only to call them by their nicknames on our blog. I want to share our family, share this journey, but sharing only nicknames feels safe, yet still personal... Ok back to the name. We affectionately call our new baby, Pearl. Many people have asked me "Will you call her Pearl?" We know part of Pearl's real name, and we are thrilled to be naming her after Rainer's grandmother and I love thinking about the day she will meet her namesake, but we will wait to learn her given name to know her full name.  God's love is so in the details, and in His goodness He has given us this sweet nickname to call our baby. Nickname does not sound near grand enough. Can I call them love-names?  Anyways, let me explain. We have prayed about adoption for years. When we really began to press in and seek an answer or confirmation from God about our third child I asked God to make it abundantly clear who this baby would be. Girl or boy, biological or adopted. I believe God is a relational God, who speaks and guides us. So I talk to Him often and have developed a faithful expectation that He will answer. If you think I'm crazy, you should just try it.  He delights in fellowship with us, and He is always speaking, we just have to listen.  We prayed, we worshiped and we waited in expectation of what He would reveal, knowing that, as Rainer reminds me often, God is good all the time. Well speak he did! I was in a powerful place of worship in November of 2011.( It was November 19th to be exact, a historic day for us always, as its our dating anniversary and the day we got engaged) God spoke to me and showed me the most beautiful picture of a perfect pearl seated safely in an oyster shell. A symbol of my daughter, a jewel of great worth who would be discovered. A jewel who's beauty is known first by its finder, possibly admist the muck, where others might have overlooked. A jewel that I would know as mine, that we would be the ones to discover and draw out her beauty. He would keep her safe and nuture her, until we could. I wept in joy, amazed that God would call us to adoption and toppled over with thankfulness that I knew, that I knew that I knew our third daughter was coming not from my womb, but from the other side of the world.  I told Rainer that I had heard something about our child and asked him to pray and let God confirm and tell him the same thing he had told me. He shortly heard that we would name our daughter after his grandmother....His grandmother's name, so just happened to in some translations mean Pearl.  Now that is God's beauty in the details. So, Pearl she is, our sweet, completely unique, formed like no other, Pearl. A rare beauty, a pillar of strength and wisdom.  In the following months as God worked to show us His timing for our adoption I read more and more about Pearls in the bible. Did you know that the gates of Heaven are made of a single pearl? That is the worth and value He has placed in my youngest daughter! She is His pearl, a symbol of the always open gates of Heaven, given to us, bringing joy and healing to this earth. And I get to be her mama? Whoa, humility.  For this mama she is truly a jewel in my crown. A piece of heaven to me. 

Loving Her

When I have carried my oldest two daughters in my tummy, I have loved the process of falling in love with them.  Dreaming of who they would be and feeling their movements, and watching my body change and grow all to provide a home for them was a beautiful season in my life. The preparation for this baby has been so different, yet so similar. I am watching my spirit and my soul change and grow to prepare a place for our baby. I am falling in love with my baby. I am not feeling her movements inside my tummy, but I am experiencing the knitting of her heart in mine. Truly, she is like God promises to ALL mothers, adoptive and biological, He knits our children together in the inmost of our beings. I am falling in love with her and its beautiful.  In the beauty of that, I am also falling in love with an amazing family, birth mother and country.  As I learn about Ethipioa, and its beautiful history it feels so confirming to us. She has always been our baby, before the foundation of the earth. Reading about the history has been exciting. Many people have told us of Africian's people great and unexplainable joy. That their smiles are like no others, and the strength of their faith a true miracle.  We believing our baby has an amazing inheritance of joy and we are experiencing that already in our preparation for her.  I am falling in love with and find myself wondering often of her family, of who her caretakers will be. I pray often for the hands that will first hold her, that will bathe her, learn and meet her needs. I bless them and I love them. Then there is her. The beautiful woman who is fulfulling her destiny and answering a call to carry and birth our baby. My love for her is irrational and unexpressionable.  I feel so protective and so connected to a woman I may never meet this side of heaven. She is amazing, strong, smart and I know how much she loves this baby. I know because I share in her great love for our baby. We spend a lot of time at our house praying for Pearl and Pearl's "tummy mommy". Bitty had a lot of questions about the woman who would carry Pearl in her tummy. It was important to her that I referred only to myself as Pearl's mommy. She so sweetly asked me if I would be the one to carry Pearl on my hip, to dance with her, pray for her and to kiss her boo-boos. When I answered yes, she said simply, "Ok so if that's you and she is in our family, then you are her mommy". So in honoring Pearl's birth mother we spoke about her courage and how God was forming our baby in the tummy of a princess in Africa who would birth our baby.  Bitty told me that we could call her, Pearl's tummy mommy.  Works for me. That night she wanted to pray for her and said "God, please help Pearl's tummy mommy be proud of her baby". What discernment this precious child of mine has. Since then her prayers have been so beautiful and so dead-on.  Prayers like...Let her not be scared, let her laugh, Heal her cough-es, let her know how much we love Pearl! Such truth and such love. My prayers are so similar, and my love for Pearl's tummy mommy is vast.  Thank you Lord for creating her in the delicate, yet powerful ways you have, that she may gracefully gift us our Pearl. That she and I will always share the depths of knowlege of the beauty of our daughter and the joy that she has imparted to her mommies. 

Homestudy...almost done!

Where I've been, well thats all over the place, yet somehow focused, steady and secure. Our homestudy is nearly complete and we have had hours of beautiful, searching converstations with each other, with God and with our social worker about our adoption and About our love and surness (thats probably not a word, but while I'm here I'm just going to pause and say if you do not love run-on sentences, un-needed commas/adjectives, etc then you should probably stop reading my blog now :) - my heart is be transparent and overflowing in His goodness and my heart, thus perfect grammar and actual non-made up words may just not suffice for some posts.) See, I told you like run-on sentences?  Anyways, back on track.  My absence in blogging has been simply my presence in our home study. The hours spent writing our autobipgraphies and in meetings and discussions examing our family structure, history, beliefs and desires have been so well spent. We are more sure than ever of our daughter waiting for us, in His perfect time, in Africa. We've had the priviledge of really surveying the years we each spent under the roofs of our parents, and been able to see what strengths and joys we have brought from those homes into our owns. In the busy season of stewarding young children I feel grateful to have had the oppurtunity to see our parents in a whole new light. To appreciate the hours they spent as we saw it, carpooling, cooking, cleaning, listenting, teaching, traveling, cheering, laughing, praying, deciding, leading...all the many, many hours they invested in us, we now see each task less literal, and more for what their heart was in each measure of love for us. In each season the way they provided for us, patiently stewarding us, they were watching and waiting to see the people emerge as who God destined them to be. They were speaking our identity into us and preparing us for the destinies God had planned. I have been overwhelmed with gratitude for Rainer's parents and sisters, for their understanding and expectation of the man they always new he would be. And as I now sit here seeing first hand the work God has done in him, making him the person  that has surpassed all of our dreams and notions of the man he would become. My heart is full.  The process thus far has also been such a confirmation of our heart for our daughter and for adoption as a whole. My heart is growing, and expanding in ways I never knew possible. A blog I read recently talked of the love an adoptive mother has for her child and specifcally the love that preceeds sight. That love that keeps you moving towards your precious child. A child that is changing your life, your family and your world before you've touched her fingers. This baby is changing my heart and my eyes to view this world in trully heavenly ways.  To our sweet baby, we love you. Lately I've honestly felt crazy for you, like the change in season to spring everyone is longing for, I'm seeing hints of blossoms and feeling fresh warm breeze and a hint of what is to come, and I'm thinking of you. Thinking of all the unexpressible feelings of joy and longing for you I experience. I am rejoicing in hearing your sisters laughter in our home, knowing that your laugh will multiply our joy. Knowing that a hint of a change in season brings hope and renewal, with a tinge of longing. Your life will be a forever breath of fresh air and sign of hope and renewal to our family. You are not even here yet, but your presence in our hearts is sprouting beautiful blossoms. We are growing, we are loving you, we are running as fast as we can to scoop you up and trusting in God's perfect timing. 

I am so happy to be able to say God has re-directed our path and moved our hearts in a way only He could. With joy, and literally with a smile on my face, I say, "We are adopting from AFRICA!" I am so happy to know (that I know, that I know) we are on the path to our baby girl and she is coming from Ethiopia.

In our time of uncertainly waiting to hear from God on where we were to adopt from, God ministered to us in such special ways. I was reminded of how very much all parts of our lives are to be lived in a posture of surrender. Not because we are unworthy or because God wants to shape us, but because He delights in blessing us. His blessing is so much bigger than what we can hold, so much bigger than our fists clench for, our minds imagine and our hearts race for. In this adoption journey I am so thankful for having been brought to a point of having no idea what the plan was, I released what little control I thought I had on where our daughter was coming from...only to find out how perfect his plan was the whole time. I have such a love growing in me for Ethiopia, for the people there, for the amazing woman who will carry my child. For the precious caretakers of our baby girl. I read something a friend adopting wrote this week and it is so true. She wrote of a mama's love for her adopted child, "How deep love can precede sight". Sweet Pearl, I will dream of you tonight, you are forever loved.

After the Clouds...

Isn't God funny? And faithful? Just as I posted about feeling cloudy God showed me a new perspective. I've learned that is such a part of His nature, in His goodness He never condemns us for seeing only our problems, but scoops us up into His lap and everything changes. Proverbs 16:15 In the light of a king's face there is life, and his favor is like the clouds that bring the spring rain. With every turn there is hope and redemption. The clouds are clouds of peace, and after the clouds are the spring rain. His rains always fall in season. He does not miss a thing. And He has not missed our daughter, or the timing of our adoption. We are still in that cloudy place, but I have renewed hope. I have wonderful friends who encourage me love my daughter(s). I so look forward to knowing more details in this journey. We are praying specifically right now to have a very clear direction of what step to take next in our journey. Some events and details we have become aware of have possibly changed our course and left us thankfully open to whatever God has in store. We hope to know more this week and I promise to update you all when we know more details. Right this minute I'm lonely for my youngest daughter. I want to snuggle with her, and tell her every single day, every time I leave the room that I love her. That we chose her, that she is our hearts desire. So many thoughts cross my mind about adoption and people's reactions are so all over the board. Sometimes I just want to shout out loud "She is our FIRST choice!". She, whoever she is, whatever color her skin is, whatever condition her heart is in, whatever condition she lives in,She is ours, she is who she is and what we are longing for. Sweet baby pearl, we are coming for you. Everyday we talk about you, your sister Bitty tells me that when I close the door at night she prays for you before drifting off to sleep. You've already changed our worlds and expanded our hearts. We are so honored to be chosen as your family, and we will walk in faith until we hold you in our arms. You are forever loved.

Announcing...The Beloved Collection

I am so excited to be announcing our newest adventure in adoption. FUNDRAISING! In the past weeks as I've felt called to do something to work towards bringing our baby girl home I've prayed and tried to think of creative ideas to fundraise. So many of the suggestions I found just didn't feel like me...So I decided to take something I love and have fun creating something beautiful, all while helping bring our baby home. Who doesn't love jewelry, right?! As for the name...My greatest purpose and joy in life is in my identity of a daughter of the King. I really think His heart is simple for us, for us to Be Loved, he in fact calls us His Beloved. The Collection will have some fun, handmade pieces with re-purposed vintage beads.

There will also be some more handmade,but glamourous options...

Also included will be a limited collection of one-of-a-kind vintage jewels!

Stay tuned for more jewels coming!

Where we are...and How we got there

Everything about my mama heart wants to be moving. Wants to be actively walking, no running towards my youngest baby girl. But I am learning that adoption involves so much waiting. We are experiencing encouragement and peace in our waiting at the moment, but Im learning that there are many emotions that are a part of peace. I know that God has us in His cloud of peace, but frankly at the moment it does feel cloudy. We officially started our home study Monday and hit a bit of a bump in the road. What we thought this journey would look like might be very different. But we know that God is good, all of the time, and His plans are always better. So that is where we sit today, in a cloud of peace. Not knowing the next step, not clearly seeing a path set before us, but trusting He will show us when it is time to know. I feel like every ounce of control I thought I had over this situation was stripped from me and I'm once again re-posturing myself in a hands-open place of surrender. Adoption is so beautiful, but so very different than a biological pregnancy, where I could touch my tummy knowing my baby was safe, being nurtured, warm, and happy. I am believing that God will hold our baby girl until we can, but Im still working through the flesh in me just so needing to know she is safe. Bitty suggested that when I want to feel our baby I should touch my heart instead of my tummy. What a sweet, smart girl I have.

I debated even blogging today, but this journey for me is about being transparent and full of joy, so sharing the waiting, the unknown and expectation for His goodness is all a part of it. For those of you praying, we would love for you to believe with us for God to reveal His plan for our family in a very clear and tangible way and to move in ways only He can. So that is where we are...Living in the unknown for now, but focusing our eyes on what is unseen. How about how we got here. So many people ask me how we decided to adopt. My answer feels cliche but honestly I think we always knew somehow that we would adopt. Its been in our hearts for a long time, and recently we had the joy of walking through an adoption with dear friends. We were able to stand with them in the moment their son was placed in their arms and we were never the same. We have had a deep revelation of what it means as believers to be adopted into God's family and the spirit of sonship is life altering. It has been for us and we are believing that bringing our baby girl home will impart the joys of being a daughter of the King to all who meet her. Oh I just got so excited thinking about meeting our baby. I will share more about our journey to this point in a later post, but in the nature of keeping it real who wants to see some out-takes of our adoption announcement photo shoot? I could use a laugh :)

We choose Joy!

Well hello there. It has been awhile. Be patient with me as I ease back into the blogging world. Since I last blogged my life has become even sweeter. There were times I wanted to jump back into blogging over the years, but catching up is too much. So instead of catching up, lets jump right into the present :) We are in a season of our lives where we are embracing the fullness, the abundance of joy and peace that Jesus gave His life for. We are stepping out in faith to embark on this adoption journey, trusting that as we pursue the Father's heart He will provide. There is so very much unknown at this point, and many people seem to focus on the unknown as they ask us about the start of this journey to our new baby girl. I want to address many of those questions, and I never want to downplay the way they ache in me...Where is she? Who is her birth mother? When will she be in my physical arms? All of the unknown is so overwhelming. So hear me that I will try my best to answer questions as they arise. But we've settled into our little family doing things a little differently over the past few years. And I'd be lying if I did not say we are approaching adoption and this journey differently. We can choose to be overwhelmed with the unknown, that is real and can hit us in the face if we let it. Or we can chose to believe Jesus, that his word is true, that he has come so we may experience life and life to the full. This adoption, this journey will be full....Full of Joy, Full of deeper revelations of how much Father God loves us to call us his own! We are making that choice now, We choose Joy! He has chosen me as his own daughter, and He has given me my beautiful daughters, chosen for us before the beginning of time. Amazing Grace indeed. Several blog posts to come. Thanks for believing with us!